A time to be honest.

The other day I was reading one of my favorite blogs and in her post that day she talked about how she considers her fellow bloggers friends. I got to thinking about that and realized that I too see several of you as friends. We have never met each other and may never meet each other in person but we share tidbits of our lives with each other and share a special bond over the world wide web that I think is really neat. But today as I sit hear typing this post I feel that I have let you all down. Most of my posts are just about happy things going on in my life and really only the things that I felt comfortable sharing with you. It makes me a little mad because when I started this blog I wanted it to be a place to express how I honestly felt and a way for me to kind of vent and just type what I feel. So today I'm going to share with you something that is way out of my comfort zone. I don't know if you all will care but I really need to share it somehow and I hope that I will be able to in the future share more personal stuff with you all. Now I'm not going to become some Debbie downer and post only negative depressing stuff but once in a while on a bad day I may need to vent and I truly feel comfortable sharing with you. I don't know what you all have going on in your lives but if this helps in some way I am glad it did.

So if I haven't mentioned it before I work in a nursing home during the night shift. During this time we don't have very much interaction with the residents but there are a few who are awake when we are there and some that we really have the chance to connect with. I know a lot of people have a hard time connecting with older people but to me I seem to connect  and enjoy working with 2 age groups really little kids and the elderly. I have had many interesting conversations with some of the residents and when you see them almost everyday and hold their care in your hands you really grow attached to them and look forward to seeing them each day. This becomes extremely hard if they become sick and become to the point where they are close to the end of their lives. You want them to stay the same happy, joking, beautiful people that you love to see every day but that doesn't happen. A lot of them don't get better. That is why they are in our facility because they need a comfortable place as their health declines.

In our CNA classes they have a section on dealing with death and how it's ok to cry, how it's ok to feel sad. You don't really grasp that until you actually experience your first death. I have been working at this nursing home for almost 10 months now and as of today I have had 3 deaths on my shift since I've been there. Today though has been by far the hardest one. The woman who passed today was someone who I looked forward to seeing each day. She was one of the kindest, funniest, most caring women I have ever met and It sucks knowing I will never get to talk to her again. The even harder part is that I was the one who was sitting with her holding her hand when she passed. She had had several health issues during her life and we knew her time was coming so we each sat in with her to make sure she was comfortable. As I was sitting with her I shot up a prayer to God asking Him to take care of her for us and to make sure she was happy. It was an unreal experience because right after I was done praying I looked up and saw a single tear running down her face and then she let out her last breath. At that point she was no longer in pain and in peace and going to be one of the best angels up in heaven looking after all of us girls at the nursing home.

I chose this line of work I know that this will not be my last death and that I will have hard days but I know that at whatever cost I will do my best at loving my job and showing the greatest amount of compassion towards each person I meet. You don't know what kind of battle they are facing or what kind of blessings they can offer you by being in your life. I feel that this is my true calling in life and that God has given me a big enough heart to care for as many people as I come in contact with. I hope everyone else I meet treats me and everyone else they meet with that same amount of compassion. I hope you realize how hard this was for me to post and I hope this will be the beginning of a new more honest me.

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