Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Letting Go

This is a horrible way to come back from not blogging for so long but there was something I needed to let go of and free myself from. I felt writing it out would help me have closure and I can move on from it. 

It's crazy how one single day, or really one single moment, can change the course of your life. That day for me was July 21st, 2014, exactly one year ago today. Eleven Months before that I started my journey to becoming a nurse. I made it through 2 almost 3 semesters of classes with 1 day of finals to go before finishing the 3rd and final semester. I showed up to class that day, got my computer set up, and was ready to destroy the finals. That's when the teacher asked if we had our last regular test to turn in. I froze and that horrible feeling that forms in your stomach appeared. I realized that I had not touched the test since she gave it to us the week before. It was the week of our county fair, we had a day of clinicals, and I had another test to take and I forgot all about it. I told my teacher what I had done but there was nothing she could do. So I quickly filled in as many answers as I could and turned it in hoping there was some sort of saving grace. I remember calling my mom telling her that I've screwed everything up not knowing if bombing the test would ruin my grade. My teacher graded the test and it dropped my test average low enough that I couldn't take the final for that one class. Which more importantly meant that I would not be finishing LPN school and I would need to retake that class. The instructors pulled me into one of their offices and told me about retaking the class and I don't really remember what else because by that time I had lost it and was just so heartbroken. Even worse I still had a final to take that afternoon for the other class I was in. I left the school and went to my moms work and just cried. I was devastated. Even with my mom's encouraging words I saw no positive aspect to this situation. I went home and studied my butt off for the final I had to go back and take for the other class. Walking back into the room I wished I was invisible. I knew everyone knew of my failure and It just made it that much worse. Adding salt to my wound I passed my maternity class final with flying colors and probably would have done the same with the other class if i'd had the chance to take it. The next few days and weeks were horrible. I don't think I had ever been so sad and felt so hopeless. I cried a lot and did not think that I could ever be happy again. Going to bed each night I thought for a short while I could forget what happened but instead I had nightmares about that day and would wake up realizing that it wasn't just a dream that it was reality. But probably the hardest thing about it all was telling my friends and family that I didn't finish school. I had told everyone when I was going to be done with school so of course everyone asked about if I was done and when I was taking boards and everything. It was so hard telling them that I had failed. I disappointed so many people all because of my own stupid mistake. There was no one to blame but myself. So the next couple months I went on with my life not knowing what was ahead. That was until I got a call one day from one of the staff at the college I attended. They told me about retaking the class I failed at another school instead of waiting a whole year to take it at the same school. I jumped on the chance and started that in October. I went and that class ended up being a great opportunity. The teacher was amazing and I had the chance for more clinical experience, and got better grades than the time before. I remember walking into the class room ready to take the final later that December and had a moment of sudden panic. What if I fail again. I went and talked with my teacher asking what I needed to pass the class and she said even with a poor grade I'd be fine. I ended passing with a B and just couldn't believe I was actually done. I took my boards in February and have been working as an GPN and LPN now for 7 months. Thinking back to that day looking forward I never thought I could be where I am now. This past year hasn't been easy but with a lot of  prayer and patience things did work out and I guess God had a plan and good reason for me to go through that trial. 

Psalm 27:1 – 3  “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?  When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall.  Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.”

1 comment:

  1. Love you girl! I had no idea you went through all of this! Just remember everything happens for a reason, and there was a bigger plan to what happened, even if it's hard to see sometimes. You're going to be a fantastic nurse you care so much!